12 may 1996

12 may, 1996

happy mother's sunday
colin and I teamcall family ethergathering
mom is somehow spending time with catholics
- funerals, graduations, weddings, italy
they're second to none in ritual, but she ain't ready for services yet

immediately prior conference with colin I realized I'm to take a semester off
no following fall at swarthmore
realization of retreat:
housing criteria:

house, multiple rooms/floors

30-40 minutes walk from anywhere

no other houses in sight

near town with grocery, pub, small library

phone line
should be manageable, cheap even -
I could find this kind of place in nebraska, anywhere
support myself through freelance writing, donations
and compose a post-road book
so mom was supportive,
though of the self-publishing print idea "that's not fisable"
and worried that one semester might turn to two
colin tales of last night's trip to the tunnel club party and drunk
to mom reports he watched goodfellas, went to bed.

over lunch, odour de balky
I'm torn - my own antideodourant and his pervasive odour
couched thus:
balk-man, if you want to get chicks (he so badly is lonely)
one thing to look out for is smell
you can either hold out for one who will dig your scent
or work to make yourself more approachable.
his physical handicap makes it hard for him to shower.

afternoon meeting with maya daily page reader and dream
maya people warned not to inflate my ego with honest admission of daily reading
addiction fear
information hungry she finds my page somewhat satiating
obsession question - what do you get from it?
passive vicarious?
posited different perspective perhaps inspiring provoking potential
that was the best kind of afternoon after a great solid massive strong hug I left feeling light but grounded, ready and excited full of love for the day ahead and everything exciting I have to do and say and read and be in my life
all is time not left but hey
maya's great.
I know she's reading this,
I said it to her face first.
I suggested she put a little time into her site each day
more of her brainselfreal reflection
but then I'd just be copying you
I copied someone else, you do it your own way, don't worry about it.
more of maya
and maybe someday maya.net?
possibilities for summer production friends inductation and inspiration
she sez I'm inspiring
she stays up all night without caffeine when she is inspired
her spiritual searching, taking from everything - nothing wholly satisfies
like the net, searching, active clicking for truth no whole dogma without links?

polyrealism?

gk calls up drunk party phone passed around 6 full efficiency at madison
finals time there too
his friends have seen me naked aspiring writers I haven't read enough of their work

people everywhere have talent.

cory reports he's always drunk,

he won some poetry awards

maya asked me today if I have any secrets
after a dayhalf to ponder this I wonder
that something came of 4.30 am readings, is that a secret?
identities and web page secrets of the unnamed bed partners, their secrets
my secret, for maya first, and now for you:
fourteen, or fifteen, in the midst of my masturbatory self-discovery that with my legs behind my head, I could barely fellate myself.
there you go, no more secrets
(I don't really tell anybody that)

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